I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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