her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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