I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize