Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were trust falling into bushes
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
