my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
