someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
