new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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