A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
