Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
