I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I wear drunk well.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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