They should really pass out barf bags in church
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
