Umm I'm too high to move.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
