Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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