don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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