Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
