You made me cry and you don't even care
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just want nice things and good sex
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
