It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
