using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
