The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
