tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
