you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
