I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
