I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
