Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
