I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
