Your dad touched me again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
