I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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