life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just found puke in my bra..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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