can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize