At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I still have a little drunk in my system
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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