If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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