I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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