sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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