My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
