i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
