Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize