Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Randomize