I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
