Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
