so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
