I am midnight drunk by noon
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
