her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
