Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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