I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
