dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
