We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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