Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
