3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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