im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
