I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
