He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
