Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
