fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
