You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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