Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
